Unlocking Happiness: How to Set Boundaries With Friends, Family, and Colleagues

Have you ever felt utterly drained after the holidays? I've been there. 

So much of my exhaustion was because I didn't have healthy boundaries in my life, be it personal or professional. Fortunately, that's changed. 

One of the most profound lessons I learned came during my second pregnancy with my daughter, Ryann. At the time, I was working for EDS as a Director of Business Development, navigating the challenging landscape of business processes and IT outsourced services. It was a high-pressure, male-dominated industry.

Eight months into my pregnancy, my doctor put me on bed rest, but I had recently landed a mammoth client that was about to make my company a lot of money. I was given a ludicrous ultimatum by my boss. We needed to fly from Michigan to Nova Scotia — an eight-hour international flight — to close a $500M deal. If I was successful, my commission on that deal alone would exceed six figures.

Here I was, standing at a crossroads: should I go right or go left? One path meant staying home, taking care of myself and my baby, and foregoing a shit-load of cash. The other path meant sucking it up, boarding the corporate jet, hoping like hell I didn’t go into labor while 30,000 feet in the air, and, fingers crossed, coming home with a fat check to deposit into my bank account.

If I stayed home, not only would I miss out on a giant commission, but I also wondered what it would mean for my career. Not far from going on maternity leave, I wondered if I would be replaced by one of my co-workers. Would my value to the company be diminished in my boss’ eyes? If I boarded the jet, sure, I might return feeling like the she-ro I had been working my tail off for four years to become, but what if I was putting the life of my unborn baby in jeopardy?

It seemed like an impossible decision to make, but I had a plan, and I thought it was a good one. I was leading a team of 25 people and plenty of them were capable of standing in for me. I chose the person I felt was the most prepared to pitch the offer to the client. I prepped her with everything she needed to know and now it was time to break the news to my boss. After laying out my well-thought-out plan to my boss, expressionless, he replied, “That’s fine, but she will also receive your commission.” I couldn’t believe my ears. Reluctantly, I waddled up the stairs and into the jet and focused my thoughts solely on closing the deal and getting back home.

I made it through the flight with no problems, but as we were pitching the client, I started experiencing some nausea and a tightness in my belly. I knew something was wrong but I kept it to myself, pushed through it, and closed the deal. With everyone feeling on cloud nine, we got back on the jet to head home.

About two hours into the flight, my relief turned into sheer panic when I began cramping uncontrollably. I was petrified. On a plane full of men, scared to death that I was going to have my baby 30,000 feet in the air, I tried to convince myself it was just Braxton Hicks contractions, but in my heart, I knew I was in labor. I started breathing slowly to calm myself down and push out all the negative thoughts that were swirling around in my mind.

Finally, one of the men looked at me and asked if I was okay. I admitted I wasn’t feeling well and told him I may have to get to a hospital as soon as we landed. He called the flight attendant over, and I explained what was happening. She sat with me through the entire flight, talking with me about her three kids and breathing right along with me. I remember feeling so comforted as she was fully focused on calming me down and preparing me to get to the hospital. I’d told her how scared I was — not just about the possibility of giving birth on the plane, but also about the idea of having two children. Growing up as an only child, I knew what it felt like to feel isolated and desire a sibling to share life with. Despite the amount of overwhelm I was already feeling from trying to balance family and business, I pushed to get pregnant with my daughter so my son, Jack, could experience that type of love. That flight attendant was my angel. Had she not been there to support me as I poured out all my fears, I’m not sure Ryann and I would’ve made it safely to the hospital when we finally touched down.

The pilot arranged for the ambulance to meet us upon landing, and I called my husband as soon as I had cell service. When we landed, I was taken directly to the hospital and thank heaven, the medics were able to stop the labor. Miraculously, my daughter was just fine, but I was overtaken with guilt at the choices I had made. I had the grim realization that I had risked the life of my child and possibly my own over my career and money. To keep my job and a large commission, I put myself and my unborn child in a dangerous and potentially life-threatening position.

In the hospital, rather than feeling elation for my beautiful daughter, I was sent into a dark, downward spiral, questioning everything about my life. I had worked so incredibly hard to get to the place I was in my career. Part of me needed and felt I deserved the recognition for what I had achieved, and the other part of me didn’t even recognize the woman who got on that plane. I reflected on many of the choices I’d made over the past ten years, and there weren’t many I was very proud of. Something had to change. I was unhappy, unfulfilled, and a far cry from being the role model I wanted to be for my two children. I was, however, a bright, shining example that it was acceptable to work so hard you have nothing left for yourself or your family.

Growing up, my parents had instilled in me the belief that working hard now would lead to relaxation and enjoyment of success later. However, I began to realize that if I continued on this path, that 'someday' I had been waiting for might never come. I wanted to teach my children the importance of living in the present, and cherishing every moment to the fullest. Although I had prioritized a six-figure income and loyalty to my company over my core values, I recognized that unlike my mother and my grandmother before me, I had choices.

Right then and there, I decided to prioritize my health and my family. The first step was setting healthy boundaries.

Healthy Boundaries Improve Mental Health

Setting boundaries can sometimes seem tough because we often feel like we have to say 'yes' to everything, even if it drains our energy and takes up our time. But setting and sticking to these boundaries is super important for our happiness, well-being, and success.

Think of it as a promise to yourself to focus on what matters most in your life and make sure you have enough time and energy for it. I've learned that having boundaries doesn't mean you're weak; it actually shows how strong and aware you are.

When you set boundaries, you create a space for yourself to thrive, both personally and professionally. You give yourself time for self-care, nurturing relationships, and pursuing your passions. It's a big step in taking control of your life and aligning it with what you value and dream about.

Setting Boundaries Leads to Healthier Relationships

Setting boundaries isn't a selfish act; it's actually one of the most caring things you can do for yourself and others. In fact, setting boundaries can lead to healthy relationships.

When you agree to something when you really should say no, it's not just harming you but also the other person involved. That's because when you decline something that doesn't feel right, you're keeping the door open for something that is right. It's like guiding both yourself and the other person in the right direction.

Boundary setting isn't a one-time thing; it's an ongoing practice. It means being clear but kind to yourself and having the courage to decline when it's necessary. It's all about recognizing that your time and energy are precious and that you should use them for things that truly matter to you.

How to Set Boundaries With Friends, Family, and Colleagues

Learning to set boundaries doesn't have to be complicated. Consider these practical steps:

Clearly Communicate Your Needs:
Clearly express your needs and expectations to others. Be specific about what you are comfortable with and what you are not. Use "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory and focus on your feelings and needs. For example, say "I need some time alone in the evenings to recharge" rather than "You always invade my personal space."

Be Consistent:
Consistency is key when setting boundaries. Once you've communicated your boundaries, make a conscious effort to enforce them consistently. This helps others understand that your boundaries are non-negotiable and encourages them to respect your limits over time.

Learn to Say No:
Saying no is an essential skill in setting boundaries. It's okay to decline invitations, requests, or additional work if it interferes with your personal limits or well-being. Practice saying no assertively but respectfully, offering a brief explanation if necessary. Remember, saying no is about protecting your time and energy, not about being unkind.

Establish Consequences:
Clearly communicate the consequences of crossing your boundaries. This doesn't have to be punitive but can be a way to help others understand the importance of respecting your limits. For example, if a coworker consistently interrupts your focus time, let them know that you'll need to schedule a specific time to address their questions or concerns.

Regularly Reassess and Adjust:
As life evolves, so do your needs and circumstances. Regularly reassess your boundaries to ensure they align with your current priorities and goals. Be open to adjusting them as needed and communicate any changes to those who may be affected. Flexibility is important, but make sure adjustments align with your overall well-being.

Setting boundaries is a continuous process that requires self-awareness and effective communication.

So, if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, like I did on that fateful flight, take a step back, evaluate what you value and make the necessary adjustments. Your happiness, well-being, and success depend on it.

Truly, there's nothing appealing about burnout!

Embrace the power of setting personal boundaries, and watch as your life transforms into one that aligns with your values and brings you the fulfillment you deserve.

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